Hogwarts Gone Plain Wrong
by Faith-Tse
Summary: And they say that misfortunes don't come a second time round? Hogwarts is in strong denial of that!
1. Muggle Apparatus in a Magical Class

**Chapter 1: _Muggle Apparatus in a Magical Class_**

The bell rang loudly, signaling that another period has passed. Not concealing an audible groan, Harry, Ron and Hermione headed from Transfiguration towards the dungeons for their Potions Class.

As they entered the grey stone-laid gallery, they heard whispers and the Slytherins tightly bunched together. This was rather unusual behavior coming from them, because their favorite Professor didn't mind them talking in his dungeons before class (Though Gryffindors were another story) and they usually talked in loud gloating voices.

" That's right. That's exactly what I heard. Today's class will be most peculiar. But why, I have not heard. Care to fill me in, Draco?" They heard Blaise Zabini, several decibels lower than usual.

" Peculiar?" scoffed Malfoy in return, " I'd say words would fail to express this. Dumbledore must have forced this upon us. Obscene is an understatement of it all!"

" What do you think they are talking about?" asked Ron, his face in a thoughtful mode.

" No idea. But definitely something that will upset the Slytherins very much. Hermione?"

" Only hypothesis"- catching Ron's quizzical look- "Unproven theory, Ron. I think Snape must be planning something unusual for today's class. Since Potions is the last class we've got today, Transfiguration being second last."

They edged into the dungeon where Snape seemed to be examining a set of laboratory equipment with disdain. He didn't seem to be in an absolutely joyous mood, so they made the smart decision of sitting in the back rows, closest to the exits.

The cold dungeon began to fill with students, all of whom were staring at the apparatus around them before casting a curious eye on Snape.

" Blasted indignity! A confounded insult!" He was muttering under his breath as he headed to the front to face his restless class. He added a few colorful curses too, quietly but still loud enough for the Slytherins and the brave few Gryffindors in the front row to hear. This was most alarming…

" Today, we will make the Amnesia Antidote. Before we start, you would have noticed strange apparatus around the dungeon. We will be using them to take measurements for our ingredients because the Amnesia Antidote requires precise measurements." The Potions Master hissed, "I expect no accidents" –eyes pausing pointedly at Neville- "And no comments from anyone."- His lips curled into a snarl at all of them.

" This is the pipette and it measures a fixed volume." Said he, levitating the pipette, "Do not, I repeat, do not shove it in. You must not be so rough with it when you attach it to this…this…orange ball thing."

" You must twist it in, slowly and cautiously because it is very delicate."

Ron dove under his desk, pretending to pick up his fallen stationary, stifling his traitorously loud snigger as he did.

" What is wrong with you? Honestly!" hissed Hermione as she kicked Ron under the desk. "Nothing, nothing you should know of." He grinned. He mouthed to Harry, however, " Shove it in, Harry! Shove it in!"

It was Harry's turn to snort deliriously. Placing a death glare upon them, Snape inquired "Something wrong, Potter and Weasley?"

They shook their heads, knowing full well that if they said his instructions sounded wrong, they'd get detention faster than anyone could say "Explicit!"

" Now that we can continue. You must not suck it up, it's bad for you." He realized that sounded twisted and quickly added " In Pot-

Too late, Parvati had punctuated him with a sharp crescendo of giggles. Unable to hold her grin, Lavender also collapsed, letting a howl of laughter like a hyena.

" Of course," Draco thought, "I know what they are thinking about. How dirty. But who is naughtier than I?" Unable to resist his action temptation, he winked at them all and thrusted his hips about under the desk. From behind, Pansy started swooning about Draco and stared glassy-eyed at him.

" Terrible, this class," muttered Snape, scowling to himself. "Alright," he bellowed to his goofing students, "To prepare its use, you must press upon the part marked 'A' and squeeze the um…ball."

His words were met by another round of sniggers and some students making squeezing movements with their hands. Being much wiser this time, he ignored them. Picking up a longer piece of equipment,

" Now, this is the barrette…no…erm, brunette…well, whatsits-rette…"

"Burette, Professor, it measures accurate volumes."

"Right you are, Granger," said the Potions Master before regaining his composure and " Five points from Gryffindor for pinpointing me. I know what I am doing. I expect pin-drop silence from you."

Hermione put down her hand, her shocked face frozen there like she had been slapped. But her decent composure was not regained. Ron and Harry supposed this was one time too many from Snape but that did nothing to prepare them from hearing her cursing Snape under his breath. They caught a few phrases that sounded like "Shag to hell", " screw with Peeves", "jerk" and "with his bloody potion flasks". What was happening to the world around them?

Snape was now giving out instructions. Ron got up and brought a burette back. He placed the tall apparatus on the table and swung the flask of flobberworm mucus in front of Hermione.

" We need 36 cubic centimeters of this and I-

" You need me to measure it out? I knew it, Ron, you are too predictable."

Ron grinned sheepishly. Hermione got up on tiptoe and attempted to pour the contents in. Next table, Neville was doing the same. Then, it all came at once to Snape about how dangerous this could get.

" If you can't do it on the table, bring it down to the floor!" He yelled like there was no tomorrow (There wouldn't be, if Neville spilt anything, he thought cynically.)

" What it, sir? Do what it?" Zabini cheekily asked.

"Tipping the bloody flask, Blaise, are you implying something else?"

" Just wondering, sir!"

The long day came to a close and Snape stepped into the Head Master's office.

" It's been too long a day, Albus. Spare me this insult of using the Muggle apparatus, please! I can't take it anymore what with students making twisted irrelevant comments in my class!"

" Dear me, but I do trust it was an interesting day? Besides, I heard positive comments from the students, largely from the Gryffindors. You wont' disappoint us?"

" Oh crap!" was the last thought Snape had before sinking to the warm floor.


	2. Gay Misfortune and Quidditch

**Chapter 2: _Gay Misfortune and Quidditch_**

Their first week passed by so swiftly, it gave Harry's firebolt a desperate run for its money. All the Gryffindors were getting used to using the muggle apparatus for Potions (" Ironic" as Ron commented to Harry and Hermione) and of course, getting used to Snape's incessant muttering. The Slytherins predictably were still in shock.

"Today we will be making the Sticky Solution. Sticky Solution is one of the most powerful potions for sticking things together as it can seep through any material and bind it with another material."

"I don't want any accidents at all today, because it takes a month to brew the Separating Solvent to separate anything stuck together. If you have any spilt on your hands, wash with warm water and avoid touching anything until you have it washed off completely unless you wish to find yourself in a hellish situation. Instructions on the board, muggle equipment on the sides and supplies at the back. Begin." The Potions Master was grouchy again.

The Gryffindors scurried to work, afraid of incurring Snape's wrath. Seamus and Dean discussed football as they set to work. Snape snapped and exploded at them like a triggered dungbomb.

"Since you can't shut your mouth while working, Finnigan, you can move over to Zabini's! That will teach you not to think you can climb over anyone, lest of all, me!"

Surprised by this outburst and being among the closest to where Snape was, Neville accidentally struck his simmering potion with his elbow. The potion went onto the palms of Zabini, who sat in at his desk observing the progress of his potion. He started to get up but it was a sure mistake.

Seamus was already moving towards the chair next to Zabini and tripped over Zabini's chair, which had moved as Zabini made to get up. He landed ungracefully, face first into the seat Snape had commanded him to move to. Seamus attempted to stand up, but found himself unable to.

Blaise Zabini realized with unwanted realization that Finnigan had toppled over his hands. "SIR! FINNIGAN HAS COLLAPSED ON ME AND I GOT STICKY SOLUTION ON MY HANDS! HELP!"

Snape marched over to the unfortunate two. "Stand up, both of you, and let me see how terrible your predicament is."

What the class and Snape saw next was horribly obscene. Zabini's hands were now glued to Finnigan's groin. "Bless my eyes, Merlin shag it!" swore Ron. The class murmured in agreement.

"You better go to the hospital wing and have Madame Pomfrey take a look into the matter. Go quickly before the bell rings," Snape suggested. The bell rang, as if on cue.

"It's bad enough to have someone's hands on my virgin nuts and you are saying I should have a woman take a look at it too!" yelled Finnigan.

"She will think I am gay to be touching a Gryffindor's nuts! The whole school is out there now, in the corridors! I don't want them to think I am a gay with a Gryffindor!" howled Blaise.

"Well, it's too late and unfortunate, I should think. Get up to the Hospital Wing and be done, Finnigan and Zabini." Shrugged Snape.

The class exited out of the dungeons, with the unlucky pair trailing behind them slowly. It couldn't have been easy to get up the stairs when you have both hands on someone's delicate anatomy, but they managed and entered the bustling corridor.

The Hufflepuffs, being sweet and caring, whispered "Congratulations Seamus, Zabini, for getting along better than anyone can expect. Though we didn't need to know you were this intimate!"

The Ravenclaws, being supposedly clever and smart, debated on this curious sight, pointing and arguing over views about being gay. The rest sniggered loudly with undisguised glee "Never knew you two had it in you to get so kinky!"

The rainy season of September passed by quickly, blowing itself out with countless storms that flooded the Quidditch pitch. As dry old October came, the Quidditch season began, with euphoria running high.

"Welcome to the first match of the season! Presenting the Gryffindor team! Seeker Potter, Keeper Weasley, Chasers Bell, Ginny Weasley and Parvati Patil, Beater Colin and Reserve Beater Dennis Creevey! Finnigan has been replaced for this month's games due to his inability to ride a broom or straddle anything for now. "

"Jordan! I am warning you!" bellowed the dignified Head of Gryffindor.

Lee proceeded to name the Slytherin Quidditch team. The two teams finally out, Madame Hooch started the game, warning them to keep the game clean.

"Don't worry, Madame Hooch! So proceed with the blowjob on the whistle ("JORDAN!")…um, I mean, START THE GAME! Professor, if your job was to blow on the whistle, it is right to say it's a blowjob, right?" Jordan laughed at his own joke.

"So with the players in position-" Jordan was interrupted by a loud whoop ("Hell yeah! Goyle is on top of Creevey!") from some sixth years, "When I said position, folks, I meant their strategic spots not THAT kind of position

"Bell to Spinnet, smooth pass there, to Ginny, reverse pass to Spinnet, who throws it like she wants to kill the Slytherin keeper and YES! She's got it in! Keeper passes to Warrington, the beater turned chaser…intercepted by Ginny who passes it to Bell…Ouch! Crabbe just banged the daylights out of her…ok…that sounded wrong…Malfoy looks like he's seen something…tails after Harry…who takes a sharp swerve…Malfoy abandons follow-the-opponent strategy, you got to say, Slytherins are not noted for their length…(The crowd hoots) I meant length of attention, not THAT length! How should I know if they are noted for THAT length, you perverts!"

"Ouch that is going to hurt plenty… Dennis Creevey of Gryffindor collides into Crabbe…who bangs Goyle…("Jordan!") wrong, sorry…who hits on Nott because he's gone crooked ("JORDAN!")…I meant he went off course, erm, meaning his broom swerved…that still sounds wrong…who spanks Patil off her broom," Jordan seemed to be getting worse by the minute, "I meant Nott crashed into Patil." Jordan finished, giving Professor McGonagall a guilty grin.

Just then, Harry saw a glimpse of gold. The Snitch! He had to grab it before Malfoy noticed. He hesitated, because the Snitch was millimeters from Malfoy's arse. A victory is more important than whether you grab your archrival's butt in the process, he reasoned.

He dove for the Snitch, heading straight at Malfoy. The Snitch fluttered and went in between the flaps of Malfoy's robes. Harry could do nothing else but to shove his hand into Malfoy's robes and draw out the Snitch.

"What the bloody blazes do you think you are doing, Potter-" Draco broke off, realizing in his horror that he's lost another match to Harry. But there was more.

Harry raised his hand in glory and roared for the crowd "I got the Snitch!" he realized he got something else too- A black thong with green lace.

"Care to explain the black and green thing you got there, Harry?" Jordan shouted back.

"I think I got Malfoy's lucky charm!"

Malfoy's face could have been the new mascot colour for Gryffindor.


	3. The Return of Lupin and Lockhart

**A/N: My thanks for the kind reviews by Cheeki Monkey (sp?) and Tanya (Sorry, couldn't resist using your exotic name!). You guys rock! Unlike somebody who calls herself my BEST FRIEND and hasn't reviewed yet. sniffs**

**Chapter 3:** **_The Return of Lupin and Lockhart_**

"Before tonight's dinner, I must announce that Professor Shacklebolt has resigned due to his need to settle his other duties outside of school. But I m glad to welcome Professor Remus John Lupin and Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, both of whom have gladly agreed to the teaching post of Defence Against the Dark Arts."

"I am sure most of you will express concern over this," he fixed a blue twinkling eye upon them all, "because you will all remember Professor Lockhart's state of amnesia when he left the school and also Professor Lupin's monthly illness."

"But I am very glad to say that St. Mungo's has deemed Professor Lockhart ready to be discharged and capable of his teaching task. He will take over Professor Lupin when Professor Lupin is unavailable. With that in mind, may we all partake in tonight's dinner."

A few murmurs broke out within the warm surroundings of the Great Hall as a scrumptious spread materialized onto the plates. With a decent amount of food on her plate (unlike Ron) Hermione spoke to Harry about the transfiguration technique they had been taught.

"It's practice makes perfect for most, I expect, though there are some who just apply theory straight away."

"Hermione, we've gone through this at least twice today!"

"Well, if you don't do it, you can't make it!"

" Orbicok." Interjected Ron

"Swallow, Ron." Hermione backed away from Ron, looking a little green.

"I meant, logical. If you don't do IT, you can't make IT. You don't do IT, you can't make any results." Ron explained. "But if you do it with restricting measures, or you go the crooked mile, you'll never make anything."

"See, Harry? Even Ron agrees-"

"Ron! You wacko crooked minded man! I refuse to sit with you!" Hermione stormed off to find refuge in Ginny.

"Something wrong I said?" Ron asked Harry with faked innocence.

Remus Lupin was in one of the back seats of his newly acquired classroom, shared by his co-teacher Gilderoy, looking very amused indeed. His colleague was strutting around trying to perfect his 'grand entrance'. Remus turned to his best friend who sat in the seat next to his.

"Well, Sirius, are you a contented man now? To be free and compensated for your wrongful imprisonment and to come and torment an old friend's workplace?"

"Now, now, Remus, I shan't bother you about the state of the workplace. It's been like this ever since who-cares-when-for-the-love-of-Merlin's-balls. As far as I'm concerned, you were the only one who actually bothered getting a Grindylow tank into this place. I shall spare you my comments about the workplace -"

"Thank Merlin."

"But torment you with my comments on your workmate." Grinned Sirius.

"Shoots Merlin where his precious are."

"Let me get this straight, I am here to speculate this deranged Harry-straddling maniac who is currently making a cock of himself actually teach?"

"Deranged is a little strong, Sirius, the bloke only had a bad case of memory charm. I am not so sure about Harry-straddling either. All I did hear was that he had Harry play a werewolf and re-enact his defeat of the Wanga Wanga Werewolf. I read that story of the defeat when I was browsing through Molly's living room. It appears that Gilderoy just sat on Harry. But to answer your question, yes, I told him to do the honours."

The Gryffindors and Slytherins streamed in, in high and foul moods respectively. A handful or better yet, majority of them gave a startled reaction when they saw Sirius observing their numbers nonchalantly. Sirius gave a loud bark of laughter to this and pointed his wand at them, pretending to be a sadistic student-killer.

He failed to note that those students found it rather alarming and that Remus looked unhesitant to smack him upside his raven-haired head.

"Welcome to Defence Against the Dark Arts, young students. You have the privilege to be taught by me, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin third class, five times winner-"

"_Ahem_. Get straight to the point please." Sirius yawned.

"Gilderoy, if you please then." Remus smiled warmly, "And don't mind Sirius."

"Of course I don't mind him! I will give you a nice joined-up writing of my name later!"

Harry turned sharply to Ron and Hermione, " I am beginning to think that he is still in dire need of shock therapy."

Ron agreed and was promptly kicked under the table by Hermione who was feeling offended for her teacher. Anyone who saw Hermione's second year timetable could swear that Hermione must have had a little something for Lockhart.

"Ah, and how well better to start the lesson than a little re-enactment of my defeat of the Wanga Wanga Werewolf? How about that? Who'd like to volunteer? How about you, that boy with black hair, in the black robes?"

Harry was most alarmed and edged his chair as far as he could away from Lockhart's outstretched hands. He didn't want a repeat of history. But he was saved when Lockhart shoved his chair aside and headed straight for the door at the far end of the classroom.

They all turned, eager to find out who was the unfortunate soul. He who had the misfortune to catch Lockhart's attention was none other than Snape, who stood in his billowing robes, vial of smoking potion in hand

"What?" Snape spluttered, "I am only here to hand Lupin his potion and be off!"

Lockhart only dragged him to the front of the class with enthusiasm. The class shook with suppressed laughter, Remus took the vial from Snape with a horribly forced straight face, Sirius leaned forward with glee and Snape quaked with suppressed rage.

"So I wrestled with him" Lockhart attempted to hold Snape as close to him as possible, which wasn't easy and soon Lockhart had both arms and a leg wrapped around Snape. Sirius turned on some music and whistled "That looks more like the slow dance I did with Hestia Jones at the fifth year Halloween Ball!" He chuckled as Snape looked severely offended.

"Then I got him to the ground" Lockhart managed to pant out as he collapsed on top of Snape. Snape screeched at his manhandling.

"Then I sat on him." Lockhart rode on Snape, horse-riding style. "Howdy!" stared Sirius. He tapped Remus on the shoulder, "Do you actually see what I see? Your colleague is a Snape straddler! Shame on Dumbledore!"

"What is going on here?" the sharp whip-like voice of Minerva McGonagall cracked through the classroom. "Why are you here, Sirius Black?"

"I am here to ogle at the plight of Snivellus, 'tis a good show, free admission too."

"What do you-" She stared, "Oh Merlin shag it!" She regained composure, "I mean, Gilderoy! Get off Severus at once!"

"But why? I am just showing how I defeated the Wanga Wanga Werewolf." Lockhart asked, sky blue eyes wide and asking like a pouting child.

"Because…I…am…going…to…kill…YOU!" Snape snarled like a savage beast (or a ravished beast?) and he lunged for Lockhart's throat.

To him, he could see himself strangling Lockhart the Snape straddler. But from the rest of the class's view, they looked like they were making out heavily. Snape head was close to Lockhart's with his greasy hair covering what his hands were really doing, his hands were on Lockhart's face and neck and his legs had Lockhart's body in a tight vice-like lock.

Sirius howled. Remus gagged. The Gryffindors cheered. The Slytherins stared. Snape and Lockhart kept going at it. McGonagall looked disgusted.

"Severus! Restrain yourself!" The elderly Transfiguration professor commanded.

Sirius took out a camera and snapped the photo (" Cam Shot Moment" he told Remus), then proceeded to examine the picture, mischief plans in the making.

McGonagall marched forth and pulled the two apart, a look of disgust etched on her prim face. "The headmaster will hear of this, boys." She assured them, "Because we are going to tell him. Now."

The bell rang, bringing all back to reality. "Ahem." Remus cleared his throat," I believe the class is over. Your assignment is to just read your textbook, pages 69 through 88. That will be all."

As the class left quietly, memories still fresh, Remus strolled over to where Sirius now sat.

"Delightful Polaroid you have there, Padfoot."

"My best taken as of yet. And don't worry, I swear on my life that I will not post this and any other duplicates to any members of the Order. Nor anywhere or anyone in this school."

"Thank Merlin and Thank Voldemort, even."

"I will enlarge this and make it stalk Snape for a month. And I will send the photograph to advertise in the Daily Prophet."

"Spares Merlin and shoots Voldemort where it hurts the most."

"You know, Moony, Voldemort may not even have his thing under those robes. Who knows if the transformations he went through included the loss of his jewels?"

"You're right."

* * *

A/N: I know, I know, Sirius Black is reputedly dead because he fell through some oh-so-mysterious fabric into an oh-so-mysterious hole that fascinates the minds of old wankers at the Ministry. But hey, he was a pretty darn great guy, right? I have an addiction with Marauders (minus Peter) being together and having fun. Reminds me of the old times I had with MY best buds back then, putting exploding/popping/snapping devices into other people's pencilboxes, textbooks and files.


End file.
